If
by Darlin
Summary: Love, we all want it. RoLo.


**If – by Darlin**

 **A/N** **–** A very short one shot I wrote at work, bored in training. Been a bit busy so haven't been online. Looks like I've stories to read!

* * *

"Hey, Stormy, did ya hear what dat crazy g _louton_ up to now? He clear outta his mind, you ask me – up an' got married! An' ya know who he had de nerve ta marry?"

Ororo looked at Remy. Just a moment ago they'd been laughing over something she would now never remember. Her stomach sunk. She actually went cold. All over. Her hands were icy, her heart fluttering. His words were like a physical assault, a punch to the solar plexus.

" _Please knock me unconscious so I can't feel anything_ ," she thought even as she smiled and shook her head in silent acknowledgment of Remy's casual statement of doom.

"No, I didn't know. Well, good for him," she said, her smile quickly fading.

Remy, the darling, oblivious, kept talking, Logan soon forgotten. Ororo would never remember what he'd rattled on about afterward. How did you exist after being annihilated? For that was how she felt.

Logan married. Her beloved Logan. She felt such pain, had such deep regrets. The if only's thrummed in her head, a parade of anguished thoughts. If only she'd told him how she felt. If only she'd tried to feel him out. If only she had attempted to show him how she felt. If only she hadn't dreaded competing with other women for his attention, Jean in particular. If only she'd been honest with herself and him. If only she hadn't been a chicken, afraid to face the truth. If only she'd just tried!

But she hadn't. Plain and simple. She hadn't tried at all. She hadn't fought for the man she'd loved for so long. And that was that. Logan was married. And she was dying inside. Life would go on but not for her. How do you pretend to go on when your heart was destroyed, your very being crushed?

"Marry her," she said to Remy and when he looked at her in surprise she insisted, "Marry Rogue.

"You love her. Today she has control over her powers, perhaps tomorrow she won't, but does that truly matter when she loves you too? She wants _you_ , Erik be damned! She's just distracted with him because you've not committed. Marry her, Remy my friend. Marry her before you lose her forever. Don't let happiness slip away from you."

"You . . . you really t'ink dat?"

Ororo nodded then embraced her friend, hugged him tightly before abruptly releasing him. And then she turned and walked away.

Remy watched her go without seeing her. He was in slack jawed shock. He didn't know how hurt his beloved friend was. He didn't see her tears. He had no inkling how his careless bit of gossip had devastated her. He only knew that his best friend cared for him, wanted him to be happy, but more importantly he knew she was right. If he waited he could lose Rogue and he would die inside if if he lost her. He wouldn't let his lady love get away. He'd ask Rogue tonight after he found the biggest diamond he could for her.

Less than a month later Ororo silently cried as she stood on the back lawn dressed in bridesmaid attire as Remy and Rogue pledged their troth forever and ever, for good or ill. That her best friend was happy, having reached for what he most wanted, eased some of her pain. But even now her pain was a hard weight to bear, something alive and raw and gnawing, never ending. And ever after she knew there would be this ache within her.

* * *

It was just a marriage for honor's sake, nothing more. And yet as Logan stood there before the Madripool city clerk, Viper at his side, he thought of how he wished things were different. Marriage should be permanent, not something you did on a whim or for ambition. Marriage should last forever. Marriage should be for love.

He thought of Mariko. His stomach clenched at the thought of his one time bride to be. He'd let her down – an understatement surely if ever there was one. She was one of the worse memories he had. He tried not to ever think of her. He thought of Jean and immediately thought of Scott because that's just how it was. Jean and Scott sitting in a tree, k – i – s – s – i – n – g. He chuckled at his stray thoughts. He'd always care for Jean.

He thought of past lovers. Had he really been married to Silver Fox? He thought of everything, everyone but the one thing, the one person that truly mattered. If he thought of her his entire body would be throbbing with unbearable anguish.

He thought of all the if only's but quickly pushed those thoughts away. What was the point of thinking of what could have been if you never moved to make it happen? What was the point of wishing he'd said something to Ororo, told her how much he cared, that he actually was in love with her? What was the point of wishing it was her he was standing side by side with, ready to take her as his lawful wife? What was the point? I mean really?

Viper as his wife was alright. Maybe someone would try to get to him through her. And what of it? She could take care of herself. And yeah, maybe Ororo could take care of herself too with a hundred ninjas after her, but at least they wouldn't be going after her.

Ororo.

He sighed as he signed on the appropriate line. He felt like crying. He wouldn't of course. Things had a way of working out in his world. Maybe one day he and Ororo . . . But he quickly dismissed that thought. He lived each day as it came. In his world there was nothing more than that. You loved the people in your life, tried to protect them, keep them safely out of your business – his business – which wasn't very pretty, witness the woman beside him. His life was a cesspool. He'd never think of one day with Ororo because he'd never drag her down the sewer he lived in.

And maybe that was good enough. To have truly loved, loved enough that you could step back and see the picture clearly because you didn't ever want to hurt the person you loved. He'd been wrong to have tried to marry Mariko. Look what had happened to her. He'd be wrong to wish for things to be different with Ororo.

He nodded now, papers signed. Yeah. That was love. It was funny how he'd never recognized that before. You did everything for the one you loved and spared the ones you loved. You sacrificed your own love, your own happiness, so they'd be safe. And to have loved like that, yeah, to have loved like that, that meant something – everything. And how many people could say they'd loved like that?

He grinned and couldn't help thinking of what if, if maybe one day – he knew better, but one day, what if he and Ororo could be together? Maybe just that little if could keep him going.

 _ **~Finis~**_


End file.
